Humpty Dumpty

I was broken.

Who could possibly love this? I don’t want to be a burden. I decided it was OK to be alone.  I was all set to get a bunch of cats and start watching those daytime “stories”. How could I find someone who would want to be with an old achy woman in a  youngish womans body? I cut off any possibilities to a long-lasting relationship. My last relationship was what I needed when I needed someone to care about me, but I became a burden. In the mean time I got this decease and as it progressed so did the subtle resentment.  I don’t think he even realized it.  When I brought it to his attention he would tell me he loved me no matter what. I slowly became a burden and he got miserable and moody all the time.  I sucked it up and hid my sadness and pain.  I went out when I hurt too bad to, I stopped asking for help and I resented this damn decease.

I went to visit my mom march 2013 and I had 2 devastating life changing medical occurrences.  A finally fell apart and broke completely.  I became sad all the time.  I needed time to heal and he wasn’t willing to give it to me.  He gave me an ultimatum that I either come home now or don’t come home at all.  I was in no condition to go back yet and he wouldn’t listen or understand.  He already resented me and would never love who i am now, broken.  I couldn’t give him the life he wanted, or the kids he wanted.

I was humpty dumpty and I couldn’t be put back together. Fast forward. With the support of my mom and son I was able to pick myself up and put myself back together.  Only I can lift myself back up on that wall again. It is still hard and after the trials I have been through lately it is a constant push.  I am so thankful for the small yet powerful support group I have now.

I may still have broken parts and will never be “whole” again, but I won’t stop trying NOT to fall of my wall.  My son and I made a painful and the hardest decision we ever had to make on our own, we are better for it now.  I now know I am pretty darn lovable and I will not let this crush me again. I may not have the strength to physically do the things I used to but I am a HELL of a lot stronger NOW than I ever was. And I am loved. Imperfections, ailments, decease and all.

Today is Organize Your Home Day (I only got to my bathroom and bedroom closet but looks good!)

Tomorrow is National Hat Day

Sign of the Day


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s