Humpty Dumpty

I was broken.

Who could possibly love this? I don’t want to be a burden. I decided it was OK to be alone.  I was all set to get a bunch of cats and start watching those daytime “stories”. How could I find someone who would want to be with an old achy woman in a  youngish womans body? I cut off any possibilities to a long-lasting relationship. My last relationship was what I needed when I needed someone to care about me, but I became a burden. In the mean time I got this decease and as it progressed so did the subtle resentment.  I don’t think he even realized it.  When I brought it to his attention he would tell me he loved me no matter what. I slowly became a burden and he got miserable and moody all the time.  I sucked it up and hid my sadness and pain.  I went out when I hurt too bad to, I stopped asking for help and I resented this damn decease.

I went to visit my mom march 2013 and I had 2 devastating life changing medical occurrences.  A finally fell apart and broke completely.  I became sad all the time.  I needed time to heal and he wasn’t willing to give it to me.  He gave me an ultimatum that I either come home now or don’t come home at all.  I was in no condition to go back yet and he wouldn’t listen or understand.  He already resented me and would never love who i am now, broken.  I couldn’t give him the life he wanted, or the kids he wanted.

I was humpty dumpty and I couldn’t be put back together. Fast forward. With the support of my mom and son I was able to pick myself up and put myself back together.  Only I can lift myself back up on that wall again. It is still hard and after the trials I have been through lately it is a constant push.  I am so thankful for the small yet powerful support group I have now.

I may still have broken parts and will never be “whole” again, but I won’t stop trying NOT to fall of my wall.  My son and I made a painful and the hardest decision we ever had to make on our own, we are better for it now.  I now know I am pretty darn lovable and I will not let this crush me again. I may not have the strength to physically do the things I used to but I am a HELL of a lot stronger NOW than I ever was. And I am loved. Imperfections, ailments, decease and all.

Today is Organize Your Home Day (I only got to my bathroom and bedroom closet but looks good!)

Tomorrow is National Hat Day

Sign of the Day

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