I was broken.
Who could possibly love this? I don’t want to be a burden. I decided it was OK to be alone. I was all set to get a bunch of cats and start watching those daytime “stories”. How could I find someone who would want to be with an old achy woman in a young
ish womans body? I cut off any possibilities to a long-lasting relationship. My last relationship was what I needed when I needed someone to care about me, but I became a burden. In the mean time I got this decease and as it progressed so did the subtle resentment. I don’t think he even realized it. When I brought it to his attention he would tell me he loved me no matter what. I slowly became a burden and he got miserable and moody all the time. I sucked it up and hid my sadness and pain. I went out when I hurt too bad to, I stopped asking for help and I resented this damn decease.
I went to visit my mom march 2013 and I had 2 devastating life changing medical occurrences. A finally fell apart and broke completely. I became sad all the time. I needed time to heal and he wasn’t willing to give it to me. He gave me an ultimatum that I either come home now or don’t come home at all. I was in no condition to go back yet and he wouldn’t listen or understand. He already resented me and would never love who i am now, broken. I couldn’t give him the life he wanted, or the kids he wanted.
I was humpty dumpty and I couldn’t be put back together. Fast forward. With the support of my mom and son I was able to pick myself up and put myself back together. Only I can lift myself back up on that wall again. It is still hard and after the trials I have been through lately it is a constant push. I am so thankful for the small yet powerful support group I have now.
I may still have broken parts and will never be “whole” again, but I won’t stop trying NOT to fall of my wall. My son and I made a painful and the hardest decision we ever had to make on our own, we are better for it now. I now know I am pretty darn lovable and I will not let this crush me again. I may not have the strength to physically do the things I used to but I am a HELL of a lot stronger NOW than I ever was. And I am loved. Imperfections, ailments, decease and all.
Today is Organize Your Home Day (I only got to my bathroom and bedroom closet but looks good!)
Tomorrow is National Hat Day